Girl in Pieces

“My photographs are what I’m doing when Jen S. comes to find me the night after the toe incident: thumbing through them, greedy like I always am when I let myself think of Ellis, poring over the black-and-white images of the four of us in the graveyard, posing stupid like rock stars, cigarettes in the corners of our mouths, DannyBoy’s harelip almost invisible, Ellis’s acne hardly noticeable. DannyBoy always said people looked better in black-and-white and he was right.” 

Charlie’s description of her photos at the beginning of the novel foreshadows a central issue she strives for throughout, the ability to embrace her scars and see the beauty in them. Charlie describes the black-and-white photos as improving her and her friends’ appearances. The absence of color mutes Ellis’ acnes and DannyBoy’s harelip, bringing them closer to the “rock star” image they strive for in their poses. Charlie’s true path to recovery begins when she can see in full color and appreciate the story it tells.

“I cut because I can’t deal. It’s as simple as that. The word becomes an ocean, the ocean washes over me, the sound of water is deafening, the water drowns my heart, my panic becomes as large as planets. I need release, I need to hurt myself more than the world can hurt me, and then I can comfort myself.” 

Here, Charlie describes the impulse that leads her to cut and the release it provides for her. When emotional pain from without becomes so intense, inflicting physical pain on herself gives her a sense of control, physical release, and tangible pain that she can focus on: cleaning and bandaging her cuts. However, creating more scars amplifies her shame, which causes her more pain, creating a harmful cycle that Charlie struggles to escape.

“The boys I found smelled like burned glass and anger. Dirt streaked their skin, and tattoos, and acne. They lived in garages or cars. I knew those boys would never stick. They were oily; they would slither away after what we did in a dirty back room at a show or in the bathroom of someone’s basement at a party.” 

Charlie’s narrative often creates word paintings, consistent with her gift as an artist. She describes characters and experiences through multiple senses, tying the physical with the emotional. Here, she describes the boys through scent (“burned glass”), visual (“[d]irt,” “tattoos,” and “acne”), and texture (“oily”), all of which are associated with anger and abandonment.