The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy

Napier discusses the topic of divorce, which comes with a sense of failure and pain for almost all couples who go through it. He notes how divorce rates are steadily increasing, and theorizes this is because people in modern society go into marriage expecting it to solve all their problems and fulfill every empty space in their lives. When this turns out not to be the case, they search for it elsewhere, rather than reconsidering their view and expectations of marriage. Attaining selfhood before marriage, Napier argues, is one of the most prominent factors in whether a marriage succeeds. Knowing that a person can survive alone allows them to more healthily commit to another. Entering marriage before this occurs tends to result in the couple bringing issues from their family of origin to the current relationship.

Marriages that end in divorce, Napier argues, usually begin with an overdependency, which leads to dissatisfaction and feelings of abandonment as  each partner realizes that their partner cannot help them in the way they hoped. Over the years, these couples do subtly gain a sense of themselves, which leads them to believe they must leave the marriage in order to truly emerge. If divorce is truly necessary, a therapist will aim to assert that the couple must truly individuate, psychologically and emotionally.