The Tender Bar

J. R. Moehringer’s The Tender Bar (2005) is a sweeping memoir that brings the reader on a journey from his earliest childhood memories to his young adulthood. The bar in question, Publicans (previously known as Dickens), played an enormous role in the author’s childhood by introducing him to an array of men who helped fill the void left by his absent father. Moehringer paints a vivid picture of his childhood home in Manhasset, his colorful and often dysfunctional family, and the many men at Publicans who influenced him so profoundly. In recounting and examining his memories, Moehringer explores themes of masculinity, identity, and belonging.

Summary

In its Prologue and first chapters, The Tender Bar first introduces the town of Manhasset and explains its demographics and history. The reader also learns about Moehringer’s family life and how he and his mother escaped his abusive father to live with his grandparents. The author shares his early impressions of his father, whom he calls “The Voice,” since Moehringer’s only contact with him was by listening to his radio show. He recounts his deep disappointment at his father’s neglect and how he tried to turn to other men in his life, such as his grandfather and Uncle Charlie, for male bonding.

Moehringer remembers the painful conversation in which his mom revealed the extent of his father’s abuse towards her, after which he felt ashamed of sharing a name with his father. Listening to his mother’s and grandmother’s stories, Moehringer learned of a long family history of domestic violence, and he felt very responsible for becoming a good man and a provider for his mother. The author also reflects on the first time he entered Publicans, then called Dickens, and how he immediately adored the men there and longed to return.

Moehringer’s later chapters explain how, despite moving to Arizona with his mother, he ended up spending even more time with his Uncle Charlie and the men from Publicans. This was due to his mother sending him back to live with his grandparents in Manhasset each summer. Moehringer shares how bonding with these men prompted him to mimic their behavior, values, gestures, and speech, crafting his identity according to theirs.

Moehringer then describes his experience as a young man at Yale University, where he experienced intense academic pressure and endured his first love and heartbreak. The bar began to feature even more prominently in his life at this time, as it became a sanctuary and sounding board for him as he coped with young adult life. He describes his life post-graduation as one of unrelenting anxiety. He decided to become a writer rather than go to law school but was concerned he would never have any success as a journalist. He continued to pursue his non-committal girlfriend, who betrayed him repeatedly. He remembers his lucky break getting a job as an eager “copykid” at the New York Times and how he desperately hoped to climb the ranks and become a columnist. During this time, he found community, moral support, and pleasurable distraction amongst the men at Publicans.

In his final chapters, Moehringer recounts how personal and professional rejections prompted him to leave New York—and Publican’s—altogether. He traveled across the United States to reconnect with both of his parents. He even entertained the possibility of befriending his father, with whom he bonded over a shared love of alcohol. After his father turned violent, however, Moehringer quickly left and had the simple, yet profound, realization that although his father was clearly not a good man, he himself, Moehringer, was not his father. He understood that it was his mother who embodied all the qualities he valued in men and looked to her for inspiration. He recounts that he finally felt “free” and no longer put the men in his life on such a pedestal, instead beginning to build his own unique identity. He decided to start anew in Colorado, where he began his career as a journalist and writer.